i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
