There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
