Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
