I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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