I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
