my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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