this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
