I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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