Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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