Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.