I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
