I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
