I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
