i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
