i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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