So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize