I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
