Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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