i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.