I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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