If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
