next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
