my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
