Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
