If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
