The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
