so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
