Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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