I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.