my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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