You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
