My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
