I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
