I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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