I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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