Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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