new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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