Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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