I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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