You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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