according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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