I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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