No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
