i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
