I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
