the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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