were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
