Jerry, you need to find god
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
