someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
