I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
