a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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