If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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