I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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