Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
