Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
