tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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