saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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