I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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