Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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