wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
