Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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